wow. i can't believe i am actually using this thing again. honestly, i missed it. the idea of putting something out there for others to read and possibly understand is something i am lacking these days. no matter what anyone says, we all have this huge desire to share and be understood. it is hard for me to actually admit that because i used to be so independent and to a certain extent guarded. i never really liked the idea of needing someone else to share with. i used to love the fact that i could handle my own problems without needing to talk about them. i always loved the opportunity to be the listener. to really connect and feel someone. i used to thrive off of getting to know people and having intimate conversations. but now...it is all messed up. i need someone to talk to. i need someone to care. i have always thought, and now know, that being alone is much easier to take when you are actually alone. i was single for most of my life and loved it! being in a relationship though increases the needs. why can't you have intimacy? you should in a relationship. i think one of the worst feelings is of being alone when you aren't actually alone. i live with someone. spend most of my day with them. sleep next to them, wake next to them, eat with them. but what do i feel? alone. it is terrible. what makes someone go on autopilot and quit trying? more than that, what makes them switch back on? i am not one to act like i can't handle something, but truthfully, the pain is almost suffocating. i would rather be alone. i can't come to terms with the fact that this is my life now. what happened to all my dreams, what happened to that idea that you could actually sustain that intensity and craving for another person? i have come to realize that was all probably just wishful thinking. i don't think it really exists anymore. there is no excitement or admiration past the lust phase. no holding hands in a rocking chair when you are in your seventies. no "living on love" like alan talked about. if you ask me, i think that is what drives so many people to cheat. of course, not that i ever agree with that, but i am just saying it makes sense. it is not boredom, lust, or attraction. most of the time it is people searching for a meaningful connection again. searching to feel important and loved again. trying to feel special. i just want to run away. to start over with nothing and noone. i want to not have all these mundane responsibilities and problems. i want someone to find me and be falling all over themselves for me. i want the passion and the urgency. i want the marathon conversations, the reveal of secrets that noone else knows. i want to be in love, real love. not just the daily-routine-you're-always-going-to-be-here-so-i-don't-have-to-try kind. and i say i'm not naive.... | 
